Paper Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselvesstanding before the pearly gates of Heaven, where StPeter and the Devil were standing nearby." Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact thatHeaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed tolimit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone ofyou can ask me a question which I don't know or cannotanswer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the mostcomprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snapof his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct." Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, thephilsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicatedformula you more...

What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise? A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper!

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
He sat down next to a priest.
The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?''
''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

This man was sitting qietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. The Man asked "What's that for?" His wife replied "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it." The Man Said "Oh honey, remember when we went to the horse races? MaryLou was the name of the horse that I bet on". The wife looked satisfied and went off to do the rest of the house work. Three days later when the man was seated with newspaper, he is once again treated with the frying pan swatting. The man says "What's that for?" The wife replied;" Your horse called!".
Man

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that", the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!"