Parenthood Jokes / Recent Jokes

You know your son is growing up when instead of asking you where he came from, he refuses to tell you where he's going!

If your child thinks he wants 'Murderous Bob, the Doll with
the Face you can Rip Right Off,' you'd better get it. You may
be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen anti-
social tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced
that he or she did not get the right gift. -Dave Barry
Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of
parenthood?' I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.' -Dave Barry
It goes without saying that you should never have more
children than you have car windows. -Erma Bombeck
One of my more effective parental strategies is to make Lists of Rules to be Obeyed And I Really Mean it This Time, and post these articles on the refrigerator in the kitchen so my children will have a written record of what they are ignoring. -W. Bruce Cameron
A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.
-Carolyn more...

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my 4 year old son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What more...

Father: When I was your age, I was up at five every morning. I fed the chickens, cleared the snow from around the house, and then did my six-mile paper route. And I thought nothing of it.

Son: I don't blame you, Dad. I don't think much of it either.

Father: When I was your age, I never kissed a girl. Will you be able to tell your children that?

Son: Not with a straight face.

A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George."

A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George."

"Lady," he declared, "I'm George!"