Parenthood Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little girl and her mother were shopping.

The girl asks her mother "How old are you?"

Mommy says, "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"

Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you grown up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into more...

Junior had just received his brand new drivers' license. The excited family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, as he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.

Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver and plunks himself down. He's smiling ear-to-ear.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his old man.

"Nope," comes dad's reply. "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 82 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them more...

"I finished the Oreo's."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream."

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk? more...

Ten-year-old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10-year-old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he more...