Past Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!"
He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.
They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".
They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter.
Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound."
They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in more...

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, How many times have I told you-quit playing baseball in the house! that's the third window you've broken this week!"
MICHAELANGELO'S MOTHER: " Mike, can't you paint on walls lie other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove more...

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!"He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter.Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound."They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room."Oh, those more...

A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conversation he says would you like to hear a' blonde' joke?
"Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5 years."
Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My flatmate's blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall, has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been Southern Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years.
Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde? "
"Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it 3 times".

Who controls the past controls the future; who controls the present controls the past. George Orwell.

Female Viagra
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing' facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as' you don't love me anymore'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no more...

Bill Clinton and his driver are in a hurry, so they are speeding past several farms. On their way past one of the farms Bill's driver hits a pig. He stops the car and decides he had better tell the owners.

Bill waits in the car all night and the driver doesn't come back until the next morning. Bill says, "what did they do to you?"

The driver replies, "they gave me a good meal and they told me to sleep with their daughter. They tried to give me fruit for the road, but I had to say no. "

Bill says, Wow! What did you say to them? The driver replies, All I said was "I'm Bill Clinton's driver and I killed the pig."