Past Jokes / Recent Jokes
January 1, 2000Dear (enter employee name here)Re: Vacation PayOur records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9, 400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8, 277, 432. 22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1, 200 months. Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing
I was on my way to my moms house, while driving in my convertable when some kid with big red suspenders pulls next to me on his moped and says something so i thought he wanted to race.
So when the light turned green i took off and stoped at the light ahead and when i turned around to see how far the kid on the moped goes flying past me... so i took off again and went speeding past him going 100 then stoped and before i could even turn around to see how far he was, he went speeding past me. so once again i took off then slowing down to end the race. And when i stoped i turned to him and said "that was a nice race, but what do u have in that moped that makes it go so fast" and he turned to me, gave me a weird look and said! "I WASNT RACING MY SUSPENDER GOT STUCK TO YOUR BUMPER!!!"
To My Dearest Wife, During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often: We will wake the kids - 54 times It's too late - 15 times I'm too tired - 42 times It's too early - 12 times It's too hot - 18 times Pretending to be asleep - 31 times The neighbors will hear - 9 times Headache or backache - 26 times Sunburn - 10 times Your mother will hear us - 9 times Not in the mood - 21 times Watching the late show - 17 times Too sore - 26 times New hairdo - 6 times Wrong time of the month - 14 times You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid more...
(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my more...
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
At any age, a man is like Iran - ruled by a more...
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and more...
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? She didnt want to wake the sleeping tablets!