Payment Jokes / Recent Jokes
The executive committee of a club decided to raise its annual subscription. In due course followed circular telling members that henceforth they would have to pay so much per annum.
Whether it was the secretary's poor knowledge of Latin or the printer's, the m in annum was misprinted as V. A member wrote back to enquire why this new mode of paying subscriptions had been authorised:' In the past we have been paying through our noses, why is payment now demanded through our posteriors?' he asked.
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totalling a substantial amount of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill was still outstanding.
The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying "We are unable to ship your new order until payment is received for the last one."
The following day, the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We are unable to wait that long."
Attn: IRS
Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.
Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the use the above mentioned to fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer
100, 000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42. 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real more...
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We more...
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."