Peace Jokes / Recent Jokes
25 facts of life
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will more...
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope. .. due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. .. what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and more...
Smaller or larger tuxedo
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo.
After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.
The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.
Write on the bottom of shoes
Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation more...
A few selected, funny but also scary quotes of words of wisdom by George W Bush. Unlike the bogus Gore quotes making the rounds, the source and date for each quote is cited.
"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective." In Wayne, Mich., as quoted by Katharine Q. Seelye in the New York Times, June 28, 2000
"The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I've looked at. I do not believe we've put a guilty... I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas." All Things Considered, NPR, June 16, 2000 (Thanks to Andy Nouraee.)
"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read, I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do." On more...
There was a small child who (being a very well behaved child) would say her prayers before going to bed ad night. One particular night, her mother overheard the prayers. 'God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless my brother Billy and may Rufus rest in peace'. The mother was confused because the family dog was alive and well but thought little of it. The next day, the family arose to find Rufus stone dead on the kitchen floor.
That evening, the mother listened again. 'God bless mummy, God bless daddy and may Billy rest in peace'. This time the mother was distressed. After several hours consulting with her husband, however, she had been convinced that Billy would be all right - so she went to bed. Sure enough, the next morning, Billy was found, dead as a doorknob.
After a somewhat traumatic day, the child prepared to go to bed. This time both parents listened. 'God bless mummy and may daddy rest in peace'. The parents were frantic. The father spent the entire evening watching more...
This guy is walking along the beach, and finds a magic lamp.
He picks it up, and rubs it, and out comes a genie and says, "Master, your wish is my command - I will grant you one wish".
Being both healthy & wealthy, he says,"I wish for world peace".
The genie says,"Where is there no peace - show me on a map" ???
The man takes out a map, and points to the middle east.
The genie shakes his head, and says, "Master, there has not been peace in that part of the world for thousands of years - I cannot do anything about it - Do you have another wish ???
The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I would like to understand how women think".
The genie says, "Give me that map again".