Peace Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it,' Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,' Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The other alien shouted to his comrade' No, you mustn't anger him...!', but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said,' What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so more...
PHYSICS: John Moonstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Ohio, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1925 - in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.
LITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of monetary tall tales, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of super rich characters - General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Sherry Quay Lu, Barrister Jon A. Mbeki Esq., and others - each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share with any unbalanced person who assists them.
PEACE: Jerry Gersh and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University, in the U.K., for electrically monitoring the activity of the brain cells in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights more...
Clinton is on the beach at Martha`s Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.
Genie: Hi Bill. I`m a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish--it had better be easy if you want me to do it.
Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that.
Genie: That`s a little hard, give me something easier.
Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?
Genie: World peace it is.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all
could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard
on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, so, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a
bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac
and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake,
some saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those
you feel are in need of inner peace.