Pence Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."
Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over
carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment,
then says, "I'll be back."
Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says,
"Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
-Bilbo Baggins
W25Y@CRNLVAX5

It seems a man in Balham, South London decided to write a book about churches, mosques and synagogues around the country. He started by driving to Scotland and started working south from there.
He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign that reads;

A WEALTHY man, noted during his lifetime for his selfishness and meanness, died and arrived outside the Heavenly Gates. He was disconcerted to find that before entering, he was required to explain why he should deserve admission. So he told Saint Peter how once, on a cold winter's day, he had given two pence to an old lady who was starving, and on another occasion, he had given a penny to a little boy whose parents had been killed in a revolution. Saint Peter transmitted this information to Gabriel and inquired,' What shall I do with this applicant?' Gabriel said,' Give him his three pence back and tell him to go to hell.'

Teacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other, what would you have?
Willy: Somebody else's trousers.

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls abeat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist howmuch it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spotwelding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, hecould sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back intwo hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:"The regiment has voted to replace."