Pence Jokes

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."
Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over
carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment,
then says, "I'll be back."
Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says,
"Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
-Bilbo Baggins
W25Y@CRNLVAX5

There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a sign in his window, "Avocados, 20 pence a pound". A woman goes in and asks for some. "Sorry love", said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now; come back on Wednesday".

So she goes on up the street to Jones. But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty a pound! But at least he has them in stock.
"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".
"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 20 pence a pound!"

Teacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other, what would you have?
Willy: Somebody else's trousers.

How did you do it?
Young David asked his rich grandfather, Paul, how he had made his money. Paul said, "Well, David, it was 1955, and I was down to my last five pence. I went to the local market and invested that five pence in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten pence." "The next morning, I invested the ten pence in two large apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and I sold them at 5pm for twenty pence. I continued this system for a month. Then Grandma’s father died and left us two million pounds."

A WEALTHY man, noted during his lifetime for his selfishness and meanness, died and arrived outside the Heavenly Gates. He was disconcerted to find that before entering, he was required to explain why he should deserve admission. So he told Saint Peter how once, on a cold winter's day, he had given two pence to an old lady who was starving, and on another occasion, he had given a penny to a little boy whose parents had been killed in a revolution. Saint Peter transmitted this information to Gabriel and inquired,' What shall I do with this applicant?' Gabriel said,' Give him his three pence back and tell him to go to hell.'