Percent Jokes / Recent Jokes

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday more...

#1
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
#2
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
#3
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
#4
It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.
#5
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
#6
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
#7
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
#8
Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.
#9
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
#10
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
#11
The painting that won more...

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn’t do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until next election. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine. MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened. MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in “self-defense. ” CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file. MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - more...

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth - 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.
Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.
When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him - yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.
God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the letter said?
Oh, so you didn't get one either?

Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies.

A redneck teacher was giving her class a pop quiz about Halloween.
"Have any of you ever seen a ghost?" she asked. Approximately twenty-five percent of the students raised their hand.
"How many of you have actually touched a ghost?" she asked next. This time, ten percent of the class put their hand up.
"Now, how many of you have had sex with a ghost?" she asked. There was dead silence in the class, until one young redneck boy raised his hand.
Startled, the teacher asked, "You've actually had sex with a ghost?"
"Ghost?" the boy replied. "Oh, sorry, I thought you said goat."