Phil Jokes / Recent Jokes
Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache." I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails." A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around. Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
Phil loved golf, but his eye sight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it.
He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Phil bring along her uncle John.
Phil said, "But John is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Phil finally agreed and took John along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
John nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Phil excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
John said, "Hmmm. I forgot."
Via phone call:
Phil: By the way, man, I heard a new joke! What has a small dick and hangs down?
Bob: Uh, I dunno... a bat?
Phil: Good! Ok, now what has a big dick and hangs up?
Bob: Uhm, I don't know, I give up.
*CLICK* bzzzzzzzzzzzz...
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a more...
What's the difference between a box of sellotape and Phil Neville?
One's a glueless kit!