Phil Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy walks into a bar one day, sits down, and claims he knows everyone in the world. The guy sitting next to him says "I don't believe you - do you know me?" The first guy says, "Sure Phil, we met two years ago at a convention - my name is Tony - remember?" The second guy says, "Okay, I remember, but I still don't believe you know everyone." So he asks Tony if he knows the bartender. Tony and the bartender, of course, go way back. The bartender confirms this. Phil tries to think of someone Tony couldn't possibly know. So he says to Tony, "Do you know Bill Clinton?" Tony replies, "Oh yeah, Bill and I smoked dope back at Oxford together." To prove it, he calls Bill Clinton on the President's private line. The two have a 20 minute conversation before hanging up. Phil is now determined to come up with someone Tony would never be able to know. This time he says, "How about the Pope?" The only way to prove this is to go to the more...
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all
could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard
on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, so, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a
bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac
and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake,
some saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those
you feel are in need of inner peace.
Differences Between Men & Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till more...
I find myself addicted to Dr. Phil and was watching an episode called the Brat House. It was a bunch of under parented children and their nitwit parents. One kid slapped his mother and his mother did nothing. If that were my mama she would have said, “You think you’re so tough. Well you messed with the wrong woman on menopause.” And then she would have proceeded to go kung foo on my ass.
This one girl brought her twin sister on Dr. Phil as an incentive to quit heroin. Is that just me or is that more of an incentive to use drugs.
Phil Jackson wants his players to turn their cell phones off for the next two weeks. The request is expected to have little to no impact on Luke Walton. A whole NBA team without cell phones means one thing - all subpoenas will have to be delivered by fax.