Phrase Jokes / Recent Jokes

The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, more...

Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The
letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and
your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and
continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any
letter you write is letterhead.
You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.
You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because
there isn't one typewriter in your house - only computers with laser printers.
You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends", but you forget to send
your father a birthday card.
You disdain people who use low baud rates.
When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers - and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty
minutes answering the customers' more...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!', but ‘That's funny…' — Isaac Asimov

The Speed of Time by Age 0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?" 10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings. 20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart. 30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?" 40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down? 60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59? 70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

In this age of instant and near-instant communications, abbreviations have become commonplace, especially amongst the younger generations. For older internet users, here's a handy guide to translating:
AbbreviationPreviously long phrase
whrthfckuben?
"Goodness, it's been a long time since we've chatted, hasn't it?"
utypliksht
"Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood's speed-typing course?"
ugoturhdupyrass?
"Are you sure about that?"
sowenugtoutofjail?
"So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?"
tkurabbrevsandshuvem
"Wouldn't you rather just type the whole phrase out?"

Acronym: whrthfckuben?
Previously long phrase: "Goodness, it's been a long time since we've chatted, hasn't it?"
Acronym: utypliksht
Previously long phrase: "Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood's speed-typing course?"
Acronym: ugoturhdupyrass?
Previously long phrase: "Are you sure about that?"
Acronym: sowenugtoutofjail?
Previously long phrase: "So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?"
Acronym: tkurabbrevsandshuvem
Previously long phrase: "Wouldn't you rather just type the whole phrase out?"
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