Pick Jokes / Recent Jokes
You know you're in a Cartoon when...
1. You get hit by a falling piano.
2. There's only one mail-order company.
3. Cows are related to chickens.
4. When your beak gets blown off your face you can just pick it up, stick it
back on again.
5. Frying pans are very malleable, especially to the shape of your head.
6. Bullets bend around pipes and/or rabbit holes.
7. Explosives only singe your hair.
8. Gravity is slower to take effect.
9. Anvils fall from the sky.
10. You can survive a nasty fall off the grand canyon.
11. Adults only have legs, and you never see their torso.
12. Bombs are always clearly labelled 'bomb'.
13. You eat sandwiches by swallowing them whole.
14. The local community contains an extraordinary high percentage of
megalomaniacs trying to take over the world.
15. Your lifelong enemy is a mouse.
16. Your body can concertina back into shape after being run over.
17. You keep a dinosaur as a pet and more...
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first. Your Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. & Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don`t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn`t do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. & The Layette 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn`s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby`s little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can`t they? & Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a more...
whats the difference between a pervert and a pick pocket?
One watches snatches the other snatches watches.
Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland
problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure more...
Because I'm a Guy...
. .. I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
. .. when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
. .. when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
. .. I can be relied upon to purchase more...
One Sunday pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1, 000. 00 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him, him, and more...
One Day a judge ask a pick pocketer in a court how steal the wallet of the man. He replied that this is his art and he gave money to learn it. He can not teach it free to others