Pint Jokes / Recent Jokes

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfected. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually
pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning. Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on more...

man walks in to a bar ans see to girls at the end of the bar so he says ill have a pint of bitter nd what ever them to girls r haveing at the end of the bar the barman says u want get no were mate there lesbians the bloke says ill have a pint of bitter nd what ever them, to ladies r haveing at the en of then bar barman syas mate listen to me there lesbians the bloke says ill have a pint of bitter and what ever them to ladies are haveing at the end of the bar and with that the lesbians walk out of the bar the barman says to the bloke told you didnt i but one of the lesbians walk back in and says would you like to smell my girl friend pussy he says to right so she blows her breath in his face

man walks in to a bar nd see to girls at the end of the bar so he says ill have a pint of bitter nd what ever them to girls r haveing at the end of the bar the barman says u wnt get no were m8 there lesbians the bloke says ill have a pint of bitter nd what ever them, to ladies r haveing at the en of then bar barman syas m8 listen to me there lesbians the bloke says ill have a pint of bitter nd what ever them to ladies r haveing at the end of the bar and with that there lesbians walk out the barman says to the bloke told you didnt i but one of the lesbians walk back in and says would u like to smell my mates pussy he says her so she blows her breath in his face

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.


Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom: Bar more...

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, "Brrr!".The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!"The gremlin says, "Ain't got none!" "Well, I'll cut off yer prick!" "Ain't got one of them, neither." says the gremlin."Well, how do ya pee?"The gremlin smiled and said, "Brrr!"

... and says, "hello... Pint of Bitter Please""The barmans starts to pull the pint, and says" Why the Long Pause?"

There's a German, Scotsman and Irishman at a bar after work.
Each has a full pint. 3 flies buzz into the bar and all of a sudden land in each of their beers.
The German is fuming mad - "No way I drink this! Disgusting!" as he pushes the pint away.
The Scotsman thinks for a minute, "ach, it ain't that bad. Ye jist pull oot the wee nipper like this...there ya go, fine as dandy." and proceeds to take a swig.
The Irishmen is also mad, he plucks the fly out by its wings, holds it over the pint and yells, "Spit it out ya Bastard, spit it out!!!"