Piss Jokes / Recent Jokes

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye. ”
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye. ”
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep, ” he burbles, “I’ll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put more...

Three old blokes were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old. "You always feel like you have to piss. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all bloody day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble pissing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I have a piss every morning at 6: 00. I piss like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"Hell no! I crap every morning at 6: 30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6: 00 and crap every morning more...

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. she tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. he tell me go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man more...

There was this drunk, he said he can pee in the bottle.Without a drop of piss on the ground.Then his friends said no you cant and they bet him 100 dollars he couldnt.Then he whip his wood out and started to piss . He pissed everywhere but in the bottle.His friends said told you you owe me 100 dollars.Then the drunk said see them people over there i bet then 1000 dollars that ill pee all over the bar.

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother,' 'Mommy, I have to piss.'' The mother said,' 'Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say,' whisper' because it is more polite. The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. He told his father,' 'Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said,' 'OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages. One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old. The 60 yo, started complaining. He said "I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night." The 70 year old then said, "I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night. The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, "I don't have any of those problems!" "At 7: 00 a. m. I take a good piss, at 9: 00 a. m. I take a good shit." My only problem is that... I don't wake up until noon!"

Restroom Poetry
The following are poems found inscribed in public restrooms
(fill in the blanks using your imagination):
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to ****
But only farted
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to ****
But I'm out of paper
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And **** my pants!
Some people come here to take a ****,
I came here to leave one.
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to **** and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bull**** on the walls...
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to **** out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department wants more...