Piss Jokes / Recent Jokes

What goes in and out and smells of piss? The Queen Mother

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search, he couldn't find any place to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even unzipped a Moscow police office asked, " Hey you, what are you doing?" "I got to piss, man" "You can't piss here, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "whiz away." The American shrugs, turns, unzips and starts right on the floor. "Ahh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" "NO. This is the American Embassy."

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is."Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal andput a gun to my head"."Jesus Christ! What happened?""He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!""Yeah, then what?""Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really badly. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him,

"Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Rosaries and everything was going good.

Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the more...

1) Excitable - Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried - Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient - Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, more...

A newfy man walks into a bar and orders himself a drink. when the bar tender brings it over to him, he ask him if he was a betting man. The bar tender replys, why yes, i, ve been known to take a bet from time to time, depending on what it was. why?
Well, says the newfoundlander, i, m willing to bet you $1000.00 that i could piss in that shot glass on the shelf behind your head!...The bar tender turns to see where he was pointing and then looks back at the newfy and says to him, ok pal your on, but you have to do it from where you, re standing.
Not a problem says the newf, so the bar tender places his $1000.00 on the bar next to the newfs and then the newf pulls down his fly and starts to pee.
He, s pissin on the bar, on the wall, on the floor, and even on the bar tender, but not one drop goes into the shot glass!
When he finishes, the bar tender"LAUGHING TO KILL HIMSELF" picks up his newly won money and then realizes that the newf is laughing as well.
So more...

I am an Italiano visitin America. One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say no, you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her no, you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to ma toilet. I say no, you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: more...