Piss Jokes / Recent Jokes

What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss??? A kidney dialysis machine!

(It's an oldie, but a goodie.)
There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to
the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you a bettin' man?"
The bartender replied, "Certainly! I'm ALWAYS a bettin'
man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $50 that I can
lick my right eye."
The bartender thought about this a while
and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled
out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned
and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave
his bar.
A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went
up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin'
man?" The bartender replied, "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS
a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $100 that
I can bite my left eye."
Well, the bartender thought he had
him on this one! There was no more...

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.The 60 yo, started complaining. He said "I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night."The 70 year old then said, "I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night. The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, "I don't have any of those problems!" "At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit."My only problem is that...I don't wake up until noon!"

A yank tourist in Paris was desperate to take a piss. After a long search he couldn't find any place to relieve himself, so he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a French police officer appeared and asked, "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I gotta piss, dude."

"You can't piss here," the officer replied. "Look, follow me."

He led the Yank to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the cop, "piss away."

The Seppo shrugs, unzips his fly, fishes out his old fella and starts pissing on the flowers.

"Ahhh," says the happy tourist. "What a relief. This is very nice of you. Is this French courtesy?"

"No. This is the American Embassy."

Bush is waiting to give a keynote speech, and he is sudenly overcome with nerves. Dick Cheney tells him to get a grip of himself. George doesn't listen and heads straight for his bottle of Bourbon.
Ten minutes later and George really needs to go for a piss. Cheney tells him to go piss in the corner and then come out and give his speech.
Ten minutes pass, and George W. turns up with a great big wet patch on the front of his pants. "George, I thought I told you to take a piss in the corner of your room!", shouts Cheney.
"But Dick, that's the Oval office. It ain't got no corners!" replied Bush.

(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I
tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella
her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna
to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma
bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a
knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I
tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock
on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me
sonna ma bitch.
So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the
manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you
no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not more...

There were 80 year olds and they were sharing their problems

The first one said "I got a big problem, I cant piss"

The others agreed that this was bad but the second one said "I got a bigger problem, I cant take a shit"

The others agreed that this was a bigger problem and then the third one said

"I've got the biggest problem, I piss every morning at 6:30am and I take a shit at 6:45am"

The others ask whats the problem?

The third ones says "I don't get up until 7am"