Piss Jokes / Recent Jokes

This guy wlaks into a bar and tells the bartender that he can piss in a cup that is on the other side of the room and not get a single drop on the floor.
The bartender didn't think he could do it, so he bet the guy $50. The guy pulled his pecker out and started pissing all over the place. He got it on the pool tables, the bar and everywhere else you can imagine. The bartender looks at the man and said, "You just lost $50". The guy said yeah, but this man outside just bet me $100 that I wouldn't come in here and piss on everything.

Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants. Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes. Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the one on the right. Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself. Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away. Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants. Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition. Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once. Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect more...

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling you those little buggers can't be trusted.

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend, you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigging toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other more...

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient -- Stands very close for a more...

In response to the woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling' ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a more...

A man and his son were driving in the car, when a police pulled them over for speeding. "
Oh Shit!"
exclaimed the father.
"
What does shit mean daddy?"
Asked the little boy innocently.
"
It's...ummm, it's just what you sometimes call a police man."
When they got home, the father slipped on the doormat, "
Oh Piss!"
exclaimed the father.
"
What does piss mean daddy?"
Asked the boy innocently.
"
It's what you sometimes call, a doormat."
The father made his way to the boot rack and tripped over a chair exlaiming; "
Oh Shag!"
As he landed on it.
"
What does shag mean daddy?"
asked the little boy innocently.
"
It's another way of saying... Sit on."
The man went upstairs and was shaving his face,, when he cut himself. "
Of Bollocks!"
Exclaimed the man.
The little boy popped more...

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e."I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 more...