Pissed Jokes / Recent Jokes
A wish for Christmas It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds"Nope". So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E"; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said"Nope". Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger more...
A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of more...
We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold; and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the more...
This little boy was walking to school when he found a frog. He picked the frog up and went to school. When he got to school, he sat the frog up on his desk and his teacher freaked out. "What is that?????" she asked him. "It's a deaf frog, Ma'am", answered the little boy. "What, what, what??? How do you know it is a deaf frog???" screamed the teacher. "I pissed in his ear and he didn't move", said the boy truthfully. "What, what, what, what do you mean you pissed in his ear and he didn't move????" she asked in an outrage. "Just like I said, I leaned over, I went PSSSSTTTT, in his ear and he didn't move!"
Yo Mama is so poor after I pissed in your yard, she thanked me for watering the lawn!
An Alien walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and pokes him in the shoulder, all the while making a noise like ''Meeeeeeep''. The bartender looks at him and is really weirded out.
He turns around and the alien pokes him in the shoulder again and says ''Meeeeeeep'' The bartender is really pissed now and says to the Alien, ''Dude, next time you do that, Im gonna take you outside and rip your dick off!''
The alien obiously doesn't understand and pokes the bartender again and says ''Meeeeeeeep''. The bartender is so pissed, that he picks him up by the collar of his space suit and draggs him outside to the empty lot and jerks down the Aliens pants.
But, the Alien doesn't have human anatomy and has nothing there to rip off. The bartender is so surprised that he asks, ''Well, if you don't have a dick, how do you have sex?'' The alien just looks at him, pokes him in the shoulder and says ''Meeeeeeep''