Plastic Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before
beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty
pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your
Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list,
you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a
locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of
diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this
machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The
reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best,
fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't
want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down more...

This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list, you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the more...

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the
arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You
are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I
expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John
throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam
put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The
surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down
at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking
goals.
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put
the head in a plastic bag and took it more...

* Everything you eat is savoured with garlic, onions and chillies.

* You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil.

* You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport.

* You arrive one or two hours late to a party, and think it's normal.

* You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.

* Your toilet has a plastic bowl next to the commode.

* All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.

* You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

* You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

* You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.

* You live with your parents even if you are 40 years old. (And they like it that way).

* If she is NOT your daughter, you always more...

Put four large marshmallows in a plastic bag and, on a plain sheet of white paper, draw a snowman. Underneath, write "Frosty told me you were bad this year so all you get is snowman poop!"
Fold the paper twice and, with a paper clip, attach it to the top of the plastic bag. Give it as a present to any of your favorite persons.

A big-time executive walked into a bar and sat down next to a drunk who was studying something in his hand. The executive leaned closer as the drunk held the object up to the light. "Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said. Then rolled it around in his fingers and added, "and it feels like rubber." Curious the executive asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk shook his head. "Damned if I know. It looks like plastic and feels like rubber!" The executive said, "Let me take a look." He examined it, rolled it between his fingers and said, "Yeah, you're right. It does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"