Politician Jokes / Recent Jokes

I want to become a politician when I grow up so I''ve made a list of skills I want to aquire, but

I''ve only come up with one: Lying.

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people more...

He was the busiest politician in Washington: He spent half his time passing laws, and the other half helping his friends get around them.

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people more...

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. -Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
-Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's more...

A doctor, physicist, and politician were arj about whose profession was the oldest.
"Surely mine is oldest," boasted the doctoi "When Eve was created from Adam's rib, was a medical phenomenon."
"True," said the physicist, "but before tin order came from chaos. Only a physicist coul have done that."
"Excuse me," noted the politician, "but firs someone had to create the chaos.. .."

Then there was the politician who abandon* an unpopular platform not because he saw light, but because he felt the heat.