Politician Jokes / Recent Jokes

I want to become a politician when I grow up so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but
I've only come up with one: Lying.

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phong rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned hfs mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

A doctor, a physicist, and a politician were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
“Surely mine is the oldest, ’ boasted the doctor. “When Eve was created from Adam’s rib, that was a medical phenomenon. ”
“True, ” said the physicist, “but before that order came from chaos. Only a physicist could have done that. ”
& ”Excuse me, ” noted the politician, “but first someone had to create the chaos……. ”&

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp by the Diyawanna Oya. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger' n me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big croc, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Humans, same as you," replied the small croc. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch' em?"

"Down' tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the parliament."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch' em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them BMWs or Mercs and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab' em on the leg, shake the shit out of' em, and eat em!"

"Ah!" says the big crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, more...

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to
a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew more...

During a White House meeting with Brazilian President Lula da Silva, March 13, 2009:
You know, I would love a trip to the Amazon. I suspect that the Republican Party would love to see me travel through the Amazon and maybe get lost.