Pool Jokes / Recent Jokes
Incident at the old swimming pool
by jiM Mica
I'm sure I've mentioned that I swim at the pool at work whenever I can. The pool seems to be the exercise venue for the halt and the lame. Professor Richs started going there years ago when he hurt himself running. I go there with my obesity and diabetes. And, Dr. Stan has been swimming since he lost the front end of a foot in a car accident a while back. Before the accident he was an ardent runner.
Besides us old coots, the pool also serves as an exercise spot for many physically and/or emotionally challenged kids. They get brought to the pool by their parents and then get to swim under the watchful eye of our physical therapy students -and their instructors of course.
The strangest thing happened a few weeks back when Dr. Stan and I were leaving the pool for the showers and a bunch of the young kids were being readied for their turn in the water. As we walked by the kids, exchanging pleasantries as usual, one of the more...
A man enters a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he's drinking, the monkey is jumping all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives from the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
"Did you see what your monkey just did?" the bartender screams at the guy.
"No, what did he do?" the guy asks.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" exclaims the bartender.
"That doesn't surprise me," the guys says. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and the other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays for it, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and leaves.
A couple of weeks later, he goes to the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey begins to run around the more...
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly more...
Batteries not included. Been napping in front of the ion shield again. Been playing with his wand too much. Been playing with the pharmacy section again. Been short on oxygen one time too many. Been using her head as a mass driver. Blew his O-rings. Blew the hatch before the lock sealed. Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head. Blown/leaking head gasket. Born a day late and like that ever since. Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. Born ugly and built to last. Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat. Brain is running on empty. Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head. Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode. Brain transplant donor. Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint. Bright as Alaska in December. Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply. Brings binoculars to submarine races. Broadcasts static. Bubbles/leaks in her think tank. Built a special showcase more...
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," says the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," whined Little Johnny.
"Maybe," answered the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"