Porch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. "Bet you can't guess how old I am," he says. "Bet I can," she says. "Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am," he says. "You're on," she says." Stand up." He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now turn around," she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now, turn back around. . . and drop your pants," she says. He drops his pants and she looks him up. . . and she looks him down. . . "you're 86," she says. He's dumbounded. "By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?" She rocks and smiles." You told me yesterday!"

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and more...

There was a boy playing in his grandparents yard while his grandpa watched from the porch. At that point, a
worm squirmed up to the surface of the dirt and the boy pulled it out of the hole. Grandpa, on the porch said,
"I'll give you $5 if you can get the worm back into the hole." The boy tried and tried, but couldn't get the soft,
squirmy worm back into the hole. After a few minutes he went into the house and came back with a can of
hairspray. He sprayed the worm. It became very hard and the boy was able to put it back in the hole. The
grandpa laughed and gave the boy his $5. "That was a good trick!" he said. The next day, the boy was again
playing in the yard when his grandpa came over and handed him another $5. The boy was confused and said,
"What is this for?" The grandpa smiled and said, "Your Grandma thought that it was a neat trick too!"

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door. He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, "Sure anything." "Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man replies. "I don't know, say $50 bucks." "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, more...

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old more...

One day a guy comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags, when he asks her what she is doing she replies, "I'm fed up, I'm moving to New York." The guy is puzzled and asks her why, "because I have found out that I can get $20 for what I give you for free," she answered. The woman got up and went to wait on the porch for her cab to arrive.

After about 10 minutes the husband joins her on the porch with his bags. "Where are you going?" She asks. "I want to see how you are going to survive on $40 a year," was the husbands reply.

This very old couple were sitting on the porch rocking when suddenly
the old woman knocked the old guy out of his chair and off of the
porch. He got up and dusted himself off and asked her, "Why did you
hit me?" She told him, "It is because your dick is too small!"
He sat back down and then suddenly he knocks her out of her chair and
off of the porch. She asked him, "Why did you hit me?" He replies,
"Because after 55 years you know there's a difference!"
Derrick Hamner