Porch Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and his wife live in a row house where all of the houses look alike. The wife tells the husband that every time he goes out he returns to the wrong house and disturbs the neighbors.
To fix the problem the man puts a lantern on his porch to remind him of his house.
So, like clockwork he goes out and gets plastered. Upon returning home he sees the lantern and says to himself "There's my house and there's the lantern I put on the porch."
Satisfied with himself he walks onto the porch and puts his key in the door, "I knew it, this my house cause my key works."
Now even more impressed with himself, he enters into the house and goes to his bedroom. Upon entering he exclaims, "I knew this was my house cause there is my wife, and there I am in bed with her!"

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, AOL Disks, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a more...

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior's 21 years old now" It's about time we teach him about sex".
Ma said "ya know pa your right".
So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".
so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".
Pa said "junior it's about time we teach you about sex".
Junior said "sex what's sex".
Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.
Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? watch this". So pa starts going at it with ma.
In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he's 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".
Junior says "their teaching me about sex".
Junior's brother says "sex what's sex".
Junior says "see that hole in pa watch this".Red

... the diploma displayed in your den contains the words 'Trucking Institute'.
... there's page numbers on your toilet paper.
... you've ever been involved in a custody battle over a dog.
... you've ever been too drunk to fish.
... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend and only need to buy one gift.
... you use flea and tick soap to bathe.
... your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
... the guests on the Jerry Springer show remind you of your neighbors.
... jack Daniels is on your 'most admired people' list.
... your lawn chairs are in the kitchen and your stove in on the porch.
... you carry a fishing pole into Sea World.
... you think turtleneck is a soup ingredient.
... your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
... your favorite sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
... you do your Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
... you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture more...

A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" he replied. The blonde said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a more...

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was more...

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
-' 66 Ford Fairlane
-' 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
-' 64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch more...