Position Jokes / Recent Jokes
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says,' It sure is dark in here, isn't it?
'Yes it is,' the man replies.
'You wanna buy a baseball?' the little boy asks.
'No thanks,' the man replies.
'I think you do want to buy a baseball,' the little boy says firmly.
The man considers the position he is in for a moment.' Uh, I see. You're right, I do want to buy the ball. How much?'
Twenty-five dollars,' the little extortionist replies.
'TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!' the man repeats incredulously, but then shakes his head and complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places him in the closet with her more...
Washing Your CatSome people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog`s breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply more...
How To Give Your Cat a Pill 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. more...
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water.
And then you dump the stock.
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New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,
"How do more...
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...
What position does the pig play in football? Loinback.
Q: How many experienced computer users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why do they have to keep changing it? Every bloody week. You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger about with it. What's that? It WAS broken this time you say? *Blush*
Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs.
Q: How many fat-cat factory owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The replacement more...