Position Jokes / Recent Jokes
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I? ” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER. ” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to Seattle airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position in Seattle. The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, more...
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is." the man replies." You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks." No thanks." the man replies." I think you do want to buy a baseball" the little extortionist continues." Okay. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars." the little boy replies." Twenty-five dollars!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy." It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off." Yes it more...
it was dark and all i could feel was his hands on my wrists he lifted them above my head and held them firmly in place next he lossened all my clothing and turned me on my side he opened my mouth wide and forcing any content out one he was satisfied i had a clear clean mouth he moved to the back of me and positioned himself so he was in the right position reaching around me he pushed in slowly at first then faster and faster i could feel it all happen but was in a state of daze when i finally came too i could feel him pushing fast from behind me and i yelled out to him to stop hearing me say this he did and puleed me to a sitting position opening my mouth again he shoved the large thing over my mouth and instructed me to blow in and out as fast as i could suddenly feeling ight headded he oreded me to slow down and then finaaly helped me to the bed lying me down he straped me on and then took me for a long ride... all the way to the hospital. this was my first time having my life saved.
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185, 000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1: 30-3: 30 p. m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT more...
Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"49. "That would work better the other way around.. " 48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?" 47. "Damn, that's complicated." 46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow." 45. "Alright already, _I_came." 44. "You guys need a value pak." 43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean." 42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?" 41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth." 40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel." 39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions. 38. "You know, they say that three's a charm." 37. Suggest your favorite position. 36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the position." 35. "Bring in the Gimp." more...
Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem more...