Positive Jokes / Recent Jokes
The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
Sardarji: Nurse, I am very eager to know my blood group.
Nurse: B positive
Sardarji: please tell me soon. ...
Nurse: B positive
Sardarji: Madam, I am positive, but I'm eager to know my blood group.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up,' Yeah, right.'
A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isnt working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go. They take off and the man says to his wife:- And you kept telling me: dont give the kid any alcohol, dont give the kid any alcohol!!
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate`s premonitions only during the postmortems.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject`s true value.
The average man`s judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.
The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it. The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong. The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it. The other line always moves faster. The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet. The person not here is the one working on the problem. The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building. The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that`s the way to bet.
New documents prove that Barry Bonds tested positive for steroids four times between 2000 and 2003. This is the only time news concerning Barry Bonds will ever be positive.