Positive Jokes / Recent Jokes

I heard the following last night-it's in the category
of "a friend of a normally reliable friend" and may be
apocryphal, but what the hell...
Following a really good party one night, the hosts
decided to leave the assorted bottles and dregs until the
next morning. As they staggered downstairs next day,
they found their young children finishing off all that
they could find, and looking the worse for wear.
Not knowing what to do, the father suggested taking them
out in the car for some fresh air. A traffic policeman,
seeing the car going round and round the block for no
reason, pulled him over and breathalysed him... and the
meter showed positive.
While matters were being sorted out, one of the children
asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyser...
and the meter again showed positive!
"Damn!" said the policeman, "another faulty meter!" He
then apologised to the driver for stopping more...

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'"
Beep.
"Uh, yeah... This is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING......... By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself,' Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' more...

ACCORDING to the grapevine, Dr Norman Vincent Peale was wounded mentally at least on one occasion. A drunken young man addressed the author of The Power of Positive Thinking:' I want to know/ he lisped,' what is the difference between positive and negative thinking?'
Dr Peale was very polite.' Young man,' he is supposed to have answered,' if you will ask me that when you are sober, I shall be happy to tell you.'
'That's the trouble,' the young man mouthed.' When I am sober, I just don't give a damn.'

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesigh

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

When I began writing this letter, I had the notion that I would write about something positive and optimistic instead of going on about how homophobic Mr. Osama Bin Laden is. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of anything particularly positive to write about. So, instead, I'll just tell you that words fail me in describing my pure distaste for Osama's sermons and brainless practices. In the text that follows, when I quote from Osama, I will use the word "excrement" in place of another word which is now apparently permitted in general circulation publications, and which I have edited out. Some will say I exaggerate, but, actually, I'm being quite lenient. I didn't mention, for example, that he says he's going to shower bloodthirsty traitors with undeserved praise quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "ultracentrifugation". Is he out of his mind? The answer is fairly obvious when you consider that he dreams of a time when he'll be free to brand me as more...