Positive Jokes / Recent Jokes

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go. They take off and the man says to his wife: - And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol!!

"In English," the linguistics professor instructed his class, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

Professor: A wise man doubts everything. Only a pin-head is positive. Student: Are you sure of that, sir? Professor: Positive.

Udurawana: Nurse, I am very eager to know my blood group.
Nurse: B positive
Udurawana: please tell me soon. ...
Nurse: B positive
Udurawana: Madam, I am positive, but eager to know my blood group.

There are some days I practice positive thinking.
And other days I'm not positive, I am thinking.

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched more...