Possible Jokes / Recent Jokes

Washing Your CatSome people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog`s breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply more...

Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get more...

A man from Tyson Foods is visiting with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a wonderful deal for you. If you will change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread... ' to 'give us this day our daily chicken... ' we are prepared to donate $300 million to the Church."
"That is not possible," the Pope responds. "The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," the man from Tyson says, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread... ' to 'give us this day our daily chicken... '"
Again, the Pope responds, "That is not possible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the man from Tyson says, "Your Eminence, this is our final offer. We are prepared to donate $3 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from more...

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.
' A football player,'
' A doctor,'
' An astronaut,'
' The president,'
' A bus conductor,'
' A teacher,'
' A race car driver.'
Everyone that is, except Mannu.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him,' Mannu, what do you want to be when you grow up?'
'Possible' Mannu replied.
'Possible?' asked the teacher.
'Yes,' Mannu said.' My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible.'

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, my brother Frank's church is going to have a special No Excuse Sunday:Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say that Sunday is the only day they can sleep in. We will have steel helmets for those who say the roof would cave in if they ever came to church. Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot. We will have hearing aids for those who say the Pastor speaks too softly - and cotton for those who say he preached too loudly. Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for all those who like to seek God in nature. Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies more...

Here is some funny, and supposedly true stories from travel agents.

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat on an airplane so their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is more...