Potato Jokes / Recent Jokes

We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls
decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

You really think someone's been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here -- it's a fruitcake.

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

It's O. K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that's more...

A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women." Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So more...

Two college students, Jim and Johnny, are visiting Fort Lauderdale at spring break. Jim notices the other with females hanging on his every word hugging and carressing him, and he is puzzled.
That night as they bed down under the dock, he says," Hey, what is it with you, anyway? You got women all over you!"
The other whispers, " I'll tell you my secret. Slip a potato into your pants. They cannot resist you."
So the next day, Jim appears suitable adorned, and again has no luck. That night, he accosts Johnny.
"Hey man, I did what you said. I put in the potato and they still won't come near me!"
"Well, maybe there's something wrong. Let me take a look... Oh, No! Man, the potato goes in the front, man, in the front."

Ex-Governor Bush Called Former President Clinton one afternoon. Hello, Bill? It`s Dubya. Say, I`ve been meanin` ta ask ya sumthin`. How did you do so well with the ladies when you were president? I`ll tell ya, George. The trick is to dazzle them with charm and intelligent conversation. Yeah, but what can I do? asked Bush. Clinton paused. Well, George, if all else fails, try puttin` a potato down your pants. That works every time. The next week, Bush called Clinton again. Bill? Dubya. Laura was in Crawford over the weekend and I got to go stag to the embassy ball. I tried the potato trick, but all the ladies kept their distance. I know, I saw the ball on C-SPAN, laughed Clinton. Next time, try puttin` the potato down the front of your pants.

Maverick was in the South of France, and could not understand why Biff had attracted all the girls at the beach, while he pulled nothing.

So he asked Biff, "Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

Biff said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

So, Mav stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Many hours later, he still had no woman. Mav went to see Biff again and said, "I've tried it and it doesn't work!"

Biff looked at the Maverick and said, "Have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes...
Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...DOH!

Blame storming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid sentence.
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for references to one's own name.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being more...