Prayer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jewish TraditionsDuring a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"The old man answered, "No, that more...

A republican senator asked in a prayer for one of the senators to miss the vote on health care. He prayed for Senator Dodd to reunite with Senator Kennedy for an angel sandwich.

'Apparently' taken from actual church bulletins:
1. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
4. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
5. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
6. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
9. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Bailey to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
10. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the Choir!!
11. The Rector is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church more...

Synagogue Bulletin Blunders.
These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldn't have helped!
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.
7. Weight more...

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4: 00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5: 00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” more...

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

Were these words actually printed in church bulletins or delivered during church services? Who cares!

--------------------------
The sermon this morning:' Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight:' Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be' What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who more...

Our Morning Prayer. . .

Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,

Amen.