Prepare Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man finally decides to go on the vacation of his life. He had
been putting it off because he owned a prize winning cat and
he also looked after his aging mother who lived next door. After
much worrying he decided to leave his cat in his brother's care
and take the vacation he'd so long put off.
"OK," he told his brother "Take good care of my cat and check
in on Mom every day."
"Yeah, yeah," said the less responsible brother "I'll take care of everything, you just go on your stupid vacation."
So the vacation started by him being dropped off at the airport
by his now "responsible" brother. After two weeks the man
returned from his trip and his brother picked him up at the airport. Getting into the car the man immediately asked "How's my cat doing?"
"Your cat's dead." came the reply from his brother.
"WHAT?" asked the man in total more...

Updated Version for the 90's woman:
1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and give him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "Clinique" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door more...

I am Clinton of Borg. You will not really be assimilated, exactly...
I am Janet Reno of Borg. Resisters will be barbecued. Waco is irrelevant.
I am Stephanopolous of Borg. It's not assimilation, it's diversity...
I am Hillary of Borg. Prepare to be. .. uh, I don't recall.
I am Madonna of Borg. Resistance turns me on.
I am Kojak of Borg. Who loves to assimilate ya, baby.
I am Ginsu of Borg. You WILL be ASSIMILATED, but wait! That's not all!
I am Hamlet, of Borg! Prepare to be...or not to be...
I am Oprah of Borg. So, why did you assimilate your husband?
I am Lancelot of Borg. Resistance is feudal.
I am Haskell of Borg. You resist well, Mrs. Cleaver.
I am Lennon of Borg. Imagine there's no assimilation...
I am Baez of Borg. What if we gave an assimilation and nobody came?
I am Opie of Borg. Can I assimilate' em, Pa?
I am Quayle of Borg. Speling is irelevante.
I am Smorgas of Borg. You will be marinated.
I am more...

The following is excerpted from an actual 1950's high school Home Economics textbook:

ADVANCE: How to be a Good Wife
HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way to let him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned with his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and having a good meal ready is part of the warm welcome that is needed.

PREPARE YOURSELF: Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. Greet him with a smile.

CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip though the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up children's books and toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you more...

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchild's sleeping more...

Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their more...

This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook, printed in the early 60s.
The Good Wives Guide
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return home from work. This is way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers, etc. and the run a dust more...