Press Jokes / Recent Jokes

In attempts to avoid further flying shoes, President Bush canceled all upcoming international meetings, except for those in Japanese homes.Any press is good press, said Tom McCann.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless more...

THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!! My cousin works as a technical support receptionist at a computer company. This is an actual conversation he had one day:
"Hi, I'm having trouble with my computer. It's not working!"
"Well, I'll do my best to help you."
*gets technical information for computer from caller*
"OK, can you press 'Control', then hold down 'Alt' and, then 'Delete'?"
"Hey, it's in French!"
"What is?"
"The keyboard?"
"*sigh* Well, can you press..."
"Oh, darn, I just noticed, the power's off!"
"Well, can you turn it on, please?"
"How?"
"Press the power button."
"Where is it?"
"It's normally a big button on the actual computer, not the monitor."
"Like the lizard?"
"Pardon me?"
"Oh, OK, I got it."
"OK, now press 'Control' and then 'I'..."
" more...

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, and no Question Seems to be Too Basic From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994. Reprinted without permission AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't gether new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked thewoman what happened when she pushed the power button. "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," thewoman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the womansaid, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "footpedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated devicethat helps to control the computer's operations.[boring stuff deleted] Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techiesneeding help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homesexploding as new "multimedia" functions more...

Unleash the Power of Shift! Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out? A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.Q: What happens if I press both shift keys? A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your more...

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at more...