Press Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is an Actual Article from the Los Angeles Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying
to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe
Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomasszewski, and his homosexual
partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after
a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,"
he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered
into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a
hushed press conference a hospital spokesperson described what happened next.
"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the
tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair more...

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows
and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: more...

Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A: Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean “up”, as in “look up at the screen”. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?
A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A: more...

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:/(Directory)... "
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:/windows and c:/windows/system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:... "
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up... "
It says: "Please Wait... "
It means: "... more...

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was
stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if
you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was
really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his
drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.
Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to
pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious
product problems. Having learned from his more...

A man goes to the doctor and says: "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong. He exclaimed, "You've got a broken finger!"

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:Directory..."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:..."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait..."
It means: "... more...