Press Jokes / Recent Jokes
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I have a wife and three children and I’d love to have you visit us. ” “Great. Where do you live? ” “Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in. ” “Good. But tell me… what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow? ” “Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed. ”
At a recent Computer Expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:
If GM had developed technology like Mircrosoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to re-install the engine.
5. more...
Psychiatric HotlineIf you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
The Technologically Challenged Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there'sstill hope:1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.5. A Dell more...
Thank you for calling “Heaven’s Gates” – your multi-church, multi-denominational hotline.
If you are a Methodist, please press "1" and your call will be transferred to the nearest potluck.
Catholics, please go to the altar and have the priest press "2" for you.
If you are Pentecostal, press "3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-Hallelujah!" and throw the phone onto the ground
Presbyterians, please form a committee. If there’s a quorum present and a 2/3 majority vote in favor of the motion, please press 4.
Lutherans, please press whatever number you wish, because, after all, you are the ONLY ones who use this line.
For the Amish, please walk to the nearest Mennonite and have them press "5".
Jehovah's Witnesses, please consult the secondary manual then press "5-6-6-2-5" – or “K-N-O-C-K” before 9pm.
If you are Jewish, and it is not a holiday, please press "7"
If you are Jewish, and more...
These are the error messages that you might want to follow next time Windows Vista gives you a problem:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Now go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain? ”
10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off. ”
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
13) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
14) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A: 32CF: Incompetent User.
15) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use more...
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership. If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway. If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line. If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names. If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911. If you more...