Press Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime more...

The NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond.
When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us, over."
"Oink, oink, here Pig1, read you loud and clear"
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing, over."
"That's right. Over and out."
They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hallo, Pig2, Here Houston, come in please."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right. Over and out."
An hour later when the rocket has more...

Subject: Top 12 things you don't want to hear from tech support

12.' Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?'

11.' ... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.'

10.' So -- what are you wearing?'

9.' Bummer Duuuuuuuude'

8.' Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.'

7.' Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC'

6.' We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.'

5.' I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.'

4.' In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.'

3.' Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!'

2.' Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.' and the number 1 thing you don't want to hear from tech support...

1.' Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.'

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
Your hard drive has been scanned and all pirated software titles have been deleted.

March 1 Wall Street Journal
Reprinted without permission
Edited for content
BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.
Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer more...

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn`t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don`t press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of
2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
9. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
10. Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the more...