Pretend Jokes / Recent Jokes

KISS UP TO HIS MOTHER! This is one of the most important rules to dating a Korean man. His mother influences his life in a very real way, so be nice to her. Or else she can make your life an eternal hell (no joking about this one). Try to be thin. Almost every American woman that lives in Korea is FAT and UGLY. Sorry girls but you are. So try to stay as much as you can from this stereotype. Go the 2002 World Cup with your face painted like the Korean flag. Play games. If you know how great but if you don't LEARN. Starcraft, Broodwar, Lineage, PUMP and DDR. This is in order not to embarrass him at the arcade, if you do he will secretly resent you for the rest of his life. Besides you might really enjoy Half-Life. Make fun of Japan OFTEN Talk about how superior Tae Kwon Do is to every other martial art. LOVE HIS CAR. It doesn't matter if it is a Porsche, or a fixed up Honda, you must to at least pretend that there isn't a funny smell coming from the seats. Flattery really works. Learn more...

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what more...

Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. Ask how they fit into that little box. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?" When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take more...

1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6. Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10. Swim near a stranger and say, ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.''
11. Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12. Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''
13. Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
14. more...

2004 SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR TAKING A DUMP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work, here is the 2004 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an
ESCAPEE; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel more...

This joke was told by a woman (didn't get her name) from the West
Virginia Bankers' Association during Comedy Night at Robby's (a local
night club) in Huntington West Virginia:
There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she
noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered
that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She
decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not
quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.
She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around
this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top
of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to
also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When
she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her
left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice more...

20 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know
1. We're not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are.
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like garbage - what goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool.
8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it.
9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.
10. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, 'NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
12. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something wrong.
13. You more...