Price Jokes / Recent Jokes

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = more...

The Numbers of the Beast OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 660 - Approximate number of the BeastDCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast666. 0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast0. 666 - Number of the Millibeast/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast1010011010 - Binary of the Beast6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast1-666 - Area code of the Beast00666 - Zip code of the Beast1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6. 66/minute. Over 18 only please.$665. 95 - Retail price of the Beast$699. 25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax$769. 95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul$656. 66 - Walmart price of the Beast$646. 66 - Next week's Walmart price of the BeastPhillips 666 - Gasoline of the BeastRoute 666 - Way of the Beast666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast666k - Retirement plan of the Beast666 mg - Recommended Minimum more...

Goes Without Saying:
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel 'sophisticated' but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.
The older you get, the better you realize you used to be.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is the price we pay for maturity.
Experience is the price we pay for immaturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Christmas Is:
1. A wobbly tree stand.
2. A week of inspiration and morality on TV screens that are
filled with crime and violence the other 51.
3. Having to tear open that gift you wrapped so beautifully
because you just remembered the price tag was still on it.
4. Trying to explain to a bright four-year-old how it's possible
to pass 6 Santa Clauses in one block.
5. When you get a dozen calendars in the mail... and on January
1st, you can't find a single one.
6. When you discover some idiot put a trunk on tree decorations
you stored so carefully last year.
7. Trying to wrap a bicycle so nobody can tell what it is.
8. When you can't walk into the Living Room for all the toys,
and your kids say, "Is that ALL?"
9. Frantic last-minute shopping when a gift arrives from a
relative you forgot.
10. When, while you're looking for a salesman, somebody buys the great tree you picked out.
11. When more...

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

1. Teaching Math in the 1950s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Math in the 1960s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math in the 1970s: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? 4. Teaching Math in the 1980s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math in more...

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, "Five dollars for both of them."

"Yeah right, you've got to be shitting me!" the man says.

"No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks.

"Five dollars for the system, including installation" the sales guy says.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks incredulously.

"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Sure," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line computer with more...