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All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 2000
Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.
Transportation
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests more...

To All Retired Military Personnel
Subject Official Command Visit
This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa
Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will
govern activities of personnel during this visit
1. No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all
native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly
room.
2. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 220
hours. Uniform for nap pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief,
general purpose.
3. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their
heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.
4. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care.
Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual
sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours,
22 more...

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain
improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of
stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A
variety of foot apparel, e. g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and
around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/
St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter.
The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located
in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e.
dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to,
candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said
dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the more...

Staten Island contractor, Procofacio Unscrupulata, age 62, of 69 Grotto Boulevard, South Beach, died yesterday from injuries received in the collapse of a building he was inspecting prior to sale at a public auction.
Born in Monte Marrona, Sicily, Unscrupulata was brought into this country at the age of 11 by his parents, Regurgito and Nauseatta Unscrupulata. Prior to his untimely demise, Unscrupulata was the president of the Negligenta Construction Company, which he founded with his late brother, Devio. Before his association with the Negligenta Construction Company, Unscrupulata worked for the Profuso Cesspool Cleaning and Catering Company. He is survived by his wife, Inconsolata: their sons, Retardo, Cretio and Imbecillio; daughters Ovaria, Fallopia, and Clitoria: two sisters, Mrs. Hysteria Psicosi and Mrs. Mammaria Pendulosa: a half-brother, Prolifico Fornicata and 14 grandchildren, all of the Grotto Boulevard address.
Active for many years in community affairs, more...

Legalese Night Before Christmas*

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese (Author unknown)

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e. g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part more...

An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."
Personnel will utilize standard more...

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking: Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to, a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e. g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixedby and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief thatSt. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i. e. thechildren, of the aforementioned House were located in their individualbeds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e. dreams, whereinvision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in saiddreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred toas "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the more...