Profession Jokes / Recent Jokes

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before and the next day he went to work not feeling to good. At the first pole that he had to work on, he climbed to the top and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped it. So, he had to climb all the way down to retrieve it.
As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy was there.
He said to the lineman, "My daddy is a lineman to and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole after the pliers that you dropped."
The lineman tried to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About this time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail, and as he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it.
When he climbed down the pole, sure enough the little boy was there.
"My daddy is a lineman and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost more...

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O. K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for more...

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.
Old doctors never die, they just loose their patience.
Old dynamicists never die, they just lose their attraction.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old geologists never die, they just recrystalize.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old mathematicians never die, they tend to zero.
Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.
Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old programmers never die, they just gosub without more...

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.
So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next more...

This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced on I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee.
While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.
The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.
"I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew.
"Sex related? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.
"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming,' where did that cocksucker go?'"

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

An archaeologist is a person who's career lies in ruins.

An architect is someone who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.