Profession Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was this woman with huge breasts who was always being harassed and whistled at by men. She had had enough of this and decided to join a convent.
One day during the summer the heat was unbearable. Since she was in her office, and no one was there, she took off her clothes exposing her breasts.
Her secretary buzzed her on the phone and said, "Sister Mary-Francis, the blind man is here." She thought for a second and decided to allow the blind man to come in. She figured since he was blind she would not need to get dressed.
When he entered, he said, "WOW! Those are the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. Now, where do you want me to put the blinds?"

A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

14. Your coffee stays hot all day!
13. Never have to look very far to find the legal department.
12. In Hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge -- Satan!
11. 30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room.
10. In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.
9. You get to spend more time with your spouse now.
8. No more wondering if the boss hates you.
7. Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public transportation.
6. Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite invigorating.
5. Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss!
4. Your office: One free stale donut every Friday. Hell: One brutal mutilation of a "Full House" cast member every Friday.
3. Your job: Suit and tie. Hell: Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!
2. Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now and then without threatening a sexual harassment more...

An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

A journalist is someone who spend 50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of its time talking about things he doesn't know.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10, 000 word document and calls it a "brief".

Essentially complete: It's half done.
We predict: We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100: 1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems: It'll take a miracle.
Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Results are being quantified: We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review: Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project
Not well defined at this time: Nobody's even thought about it.
Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer.
Not well understood: Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.
Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!
Results are promising: Turned power on and more...

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

If you take a long time, you're slow. BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
If you don't do it, you're lazy. BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
If you make a mistake, you're an idiot. BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's' only human'.
If you're on a day off sick, you're' always' sick. BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.
If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
If you please your boss, you're ass-creeping. BUT if your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
If you're out of the office, you're wandering around. BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
If you apply for leave, you more...