Profession Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. As the rider approaches, the crawling man whispers through his parched lips, "Water. .. please. .. can you give. .. water. .."
"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
"Necktie?" whispers the man. "I need water!"
"They're only four dollars apiece."
"I need water."
"Okay, okay, two for seven dollars."
"Please! I need water!" the man exclaims.
"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, as he heads off into the distance.
By now the man has lost all track of time, crawling through the desert seemingly for days. Finally, nearly dead, with clothes tattered and skin peeling under the relentless sun, he comes upon a restaurant. Summoning his last bit of more...

If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal of mathematics.
If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics journal.
If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an economics journal.
If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a psychology journal.

* We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan."
* Condom, condiment--what's the damn difference?
* It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe."
* It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
* Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
* We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal."
* So what... a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
* Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
* Drive-thru speaker broken --"Coke with lots of ice" sounded like
"prophylactic device."
* When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:

My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"!
My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who can... do; those who can't... teach".
My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk more...

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"

1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. Your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a lot of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. You have no job satisfaction.
9. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
10. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
11. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
12. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
16. You know more...

A CEO has his business going well, but he's a bit worried. He decides to check the competence of his employees.

The first person he meets is his assistant:
- Oh Miss, I'd like to ask you just a quuestion. How much make 2+2?
- Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo oon that?
- No, just answer the question.
- Well, I think it's 4.

Then he goes to the computer tech:
- Hi John! Just a question. Can you telll me how much make 2+2?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
- It is 4. 00 E+0, but I'm not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow. Will I ask them to check it?

Then he goes to the accountant:
- Hello mister, can you tell me how muchh make 2+2?
- Well, well, I know I'm late. I'm sorryy. I didn't already collect all the data, neither check all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between 3. 196... and... let's say... 5. 659. But I'll be able to make a much more accurate estimate within two more...