Programmer Jokes / Recent Jokes

You can always tell a really good idea by the enemies it makes.
-Programmers' axiom
Everything always takes twice as long and costs four times as much as you
planned. -Programmers' axiom
It's never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble, it's the
personalities and the politics. -Programmers' saying
Living with a programmer is easy. All you need is the patience of a saint.
-Programmers' spouses' saying
Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who strive to
produce idiot-proof programs, and the Universe which strives to produce bigger
idiots. -Software engineers' saying
So far the Universe is winning.
-Applications programmers'
saying
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering
iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.
-Computer saying
You can't do just one thing.
-Campbell's Law of everything
Friends come and go, but more...

- "Have you heard about the object-oriennted way to become wealthy?"
- "No..."
- "Inheritance."

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer more...

If you can pick it up, it's a PC.
If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.
But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex It is on everybody's mind all the time.
Everyone is talking about it all the time.
Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
Almost no one is really doing it.
The few who are doing it are:
doing it poorly; sure it will be better next time; not practicing it safely.

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance more...