Project Jokes / Recent Jokes

Redmond, Wash.
April 1, 1998
Microsoft today announced the newest addition to its popular Windows (TM) line of computer operating systems. Code named Atlantis, the newest offering will be officially known as Win' 00, pronounced Windows double zero.
At the gala press conference, complete with red, white, and blue lights bathing the stage, Bill Gates, President and CEO of Microsoft, personally made the announcement. Multicast to every corner of the world, Gates spoke to the huge crowd of computer press, as a 60 foot high video screen behind him showed his face, and Aerosmith sang their hit' Dream On' in the background.
"We are on the verge of the new millenium, and Microsoft is ready to lead the way into the new century. Just as we have been on the forefront of technology, claiming every advance in computing, we will now set the newest standard in the market. Taking the concept of the Virtual machine to its next logical evolutionary stage, our new operating more...

Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader e-mail two Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability. more...

Much gurgling has flown about capitol hill regarding a television project that has aparently presented a narrative of the leadup to 9/11/2001 that suggests that a top Clinton administration official failed to pull the trigger on capturing Osama bin Laden when we had a chance.

In response, the Democratic party let out a cloud of noxious publicity.

Never to be left speechless, Rush Limbaugh unfolded his asscheeks and commented upon the situation. Then, Anne Coulter and Bill O'Reilly chimed in with shrill, clenched notes of their own.

Democrats then called upon Senator Lieberman from Connecticut, Senator Kerry from Massachusetts and Chairman Dean of Vermont for rebuttals.

Sources say that the program recieved dismal ratings, while record numbers flocked to parks and open spaces in search of fresh air.

Love Marriage: Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.

Arranged Marriage: Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The main object is fixed and various functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted.

Love Marriage: It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain.

Arranged Marriage: Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible.

Love Marriage: Family system hangs because hardware called parents are not responding.
Arranged Marriage: Compatible with hardware Parents.

Love Marriage: You are the project leader so u are responsible for more...

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go more...

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.

Q: How many' real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None.' Real' programmers prefer LEDs.

Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Farm.
Note: Refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques of the past.

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve more...

Major Technological Breakthrough - Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research - It was discovered by accident.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen difficulties - We are working on something else.
The designs are well within allowable limits - We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us.
Close project coordination - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Test results were extremely gratifying - It works, and are we surprised!
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem - more...