Project Jokes / Recent Jokes

REDMOND (BNN) - World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In more...

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project
manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come
upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off.
Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes.
Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a
yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my
Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing more...

The software engineering community has been placing a great deal of
emphasis lately on metrics and their use in software development. The
following metrics are probably among the most valuable for a software
project:
The Pizza Metric
How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab.
What: Measures the amount of schedule under-estimation.
If people are spending enough after-hours time
working on the project that they need to have
meals delivered to the office, then there has
obviously been a mis-estimation somewhere.
The Aspirin Metric
How: Maintain a centrally-located aspirin bottle for use
by the team. At the beginning and end of each month,
count the number of aspirin remaining aspirin in the
bottle.
What: Measures stress suffered by the team during the project.
This most likely indicates poor project design in the
early phases, which causes over-expenditure of effort
later on. In the early phases, high more...

Redmond, Wash.
April 1, 1998
Microsoft today announced the newest addition to its popular Windows (TM) line of computer operating systems. Code named Atlantis, the newest offering will be officially known as Win '00, pronounced Windows double zero.
At the gala press conference, complete with red, white, and blue lights bathing the stage, Bill Gates, President and CEO of Microsoft, personally made the announcement. Multicast to every corner of the world, Gates spoke to the huge crowd of computer press, as a 60 foot high video screen behind him showed his face, and Aerosmith sang their hit 'Dream On' in the background.
"We are on the verge of the new millenium, and Microsoft is ready to lead the way into the new century. Just as we have been on the forefront of technology, claiming every advance in computing, we will now set the newest standard in the market. Taking the concept of the Virtual machine to its next logical evolutionary stage, our new operating system more...

Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so
people won't park on your lawn.
Use it as building material. (This is actually what the
Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them
to take you off their list.
It's colorful, use it as a Yule Log.
Carve the Presidents' faces in one and submit it as a
science project.
Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel
blocks.
Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag
marked "lawn fertilizer."
For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build
an artificial reef.
Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to
keep your feet dry.

The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Volume 25
Number 4/1979. P. O. Box 234 Chicago Heights, Illinois 60411
1. INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United
States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make
an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be
compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that
all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the
court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such
atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States
courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the
intelligence of a cabbage, and more...

10,000 years from now Aliens will land on Earth and ask why no one got there "We're Coming" message. It is discovered that the Aliens had posted it to alt.test and no one saw it. Aliens laugh at SETI at Home idea as akin to reading tea leaves.
Hello! The SETI project is a scam. It is run by the NSA to use the massed CPU cycles of the first world to break people's PGP passwords via brute force attacks.
Opps! Sorry, but two years from now the SETI people will announce there was a bug in their software and you'll all have to start over.
The major American TV networks will launch a similar project in which the world's PC's will be harnessed to cull through archives looking for a plot, or even a punch line, they haven't used eight hundred times before.
SETI project is revealed to be part of Intel/Microsoft plot to gain access to computers of a segment of the population that traditionally not fallen for the free AOL account trap.
Well, if if you're looking for more...