Project Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved more...

Major Technological Breakthrough:- Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research:- It was discovered by accident

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen difficulties:-
We are working on something else.
The designs are well within allowable limits:- We just made it, stretching a point
or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured:- We are so far behind schedule that
the customer was happy to get
anything at all from us.
Close project coordination:- We should have asked someone else;
or, let's spread the responsibility for
this.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period:-
We haven't started this job yet, but
we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried:- We don't know where we're going, but
we're moving.
Test results were extremely gratifying:- It works, and are we surprised!
Extensive effort is more...

Any project will require at least two trips to the hardware store.
If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong color is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.
You always need more paint
You never have enough nails, screws, glue, or other fasteners
The probability that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project. (see Law #6)
Corollary: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to fix the broken pipe.
To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. A one hour task will take two days to complete.

Horngren’s Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Hubbard’s Law: Don’t take life too seriously; you won’t get out of it alive.
Hurewitz’s Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to…to… uh…
IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion.
Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.
Jenkinson’s Law: It won’t work.
Johnson-Laird’s Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
KEEP READING...
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while more...

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the more...

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair on January 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 150 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

One hundred forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical more...